Fixed cameras. Laugh tracks. The random breaking of character.
I can see it now: The Balaam and Balak show, a legitimate meeting of two completely different people who somehow are also exactly the same. Both obsessed with greed and power, and who are also trying desperately to work against forces that are far greater than anything they can comprehend.
The whole story of Balaam and Balak in the Bible is one big comedy of errors…if it weren’t so tragic. The focus completely shifts away from Israel—where it had been for the majority of the book—and is now focused entirely on these two individuals who bumble through failed prophecy after failed prophecy for hours.
Balaam’s prophecies get progressively worse for Balak and his people, and despite Balak’s willingness to accommodate Balaam’s every desire (such as a new location), Balaam can’t seem to say anything negative about Israel.
In the background Balak is screaming at Balaam to do literally anything else. His investment in the prophet is effectively down the drain.
The relationship starts off innocent enough. In full view of the Israelite camp (Numbers 22:41), Balaam instructs Balak to build seven different altars to sacrifice seven bulls and seven rams. Nowhere else in Scripture are seven altars built at the same time for a singular purpose, so this is definitely a pagan thing.
What comes out of Balaam’s mouth is anything but pagan, though. His first oracle is a direct rebuke of Balak: “From Aram, Balak has brought me…How shall I curse whom God has not cursed?” (Numbers 23:7-8).
As Balaam sees it, Israel is in a much better position than Balak and the Moabites. Balaam calls Israel a nation who “dwells apart,” and “will not be reckoned among the nations.” Traditional Jewish thought explains this statement as Balaam seeing Israel’s fate as different from everyone else. Nations may rise and fall, but Israel is special.
As such, he prefers to throw his lot in with them: “Let me die the death of the upright, and let my end be like his!”
That last statement is ironic, because it does appear from future passages that Balaam does intermingle with Israel—at least, somewhat. It’s him that teaches Israel to sin (Numbers 31:16), which means Israel would essentially curse themselves, totally independent from whatever Balaam says.
But Balaam’s fate will be different in every way. When Israel attacks Midian in Numbers 31:8, they kill Balaam too. Despite his supposed desire to hitch his wagon to Israel’s star, he falls dead at their feet.
Not that any of this is genuine, anyways. By his own admission, Balaam is just relaying to Balaak what God told him. That doesn’t matter to Balaak though, who is aghast at Balaam’s words. He feels betrayed; he hired Balaam to curse them, and did exactly the opposite.
It’ll only get worse from here for this dynamic duo.